Hi again. I just read my last posting and then spent an hour crying and reflecting about everything.
... at the moment I feel like everyone gets to drive down the highway of life and I am stuck in the off road without a 4x4 and I just hit a mud slide, I am going down and dragging my kids with me. I am sad.
Well, Christmas came and went. It was hard. It is one thing to be on the other side of the planet and have your dad ignore you but it really hit my kids this past holiday that just maybe mom is right and our dad really is a jerk. Christmas came and went not one gift or good wishes. Both of my boys had a birthday and still nothing.
What hurts even more is that his friends accept everything. No ones cares about the kids and I.
So why does it hurt? I mean after all he is an idiot and we do not need him in our lives. Except that I just found out 2 weeks after I was given a divorce that my now ex has a 4 year old son. He does not even support the kids he already made, yet he gets to go out and start a family new. I do not. I don't get that chance, my baby days are over. Now I am just a divorced old maid.
Clearly my state of mind at the moment is pure over load. Why ??? Well let me write and get it off my chest.
Remember I wrote that I was staying at my friends cousins house. We thought at the moment it was a blessing but like everything else it went sour.
My friends cousin had recently hooked up with a millionaire girlfriend and they took a moment to hear my story and seemed full of support. The key word being seemed. They watched my You Tube video and seen the work I have done.
I was still job hunting at the time with no luck, so I asked 'The Cousin' if company would like to sponsor a haunted house, so that I could make some money and have a chance to showcase my work and hopefully get my party business started back up again. the 'Cousin' was all smug and told me okay, I could use his large garage and that he even had a 700 client mail list to invite. It was going to be great.
I put my job search on the back burner with high hopes and spent 3 weeks solid, 4 hours a sleep each night so that I could make an entire haunted house out of paper mache. I had to because I had no money for materials. Cardboard and newspaper is free. The stuff i did have to buy like glue and stuff I charged on my credit card, including food for the house. But I was confident that the money would come in because I am the 'Queen of Halloween' !!
Halloween arrived. I was done, it looked fantastic! I even got drama students from my old high school to come and be my spooks to bring the house alive. Two days before the event The 'Cousin' organized $500 in sponsorship money for treats. I used the money to make a payment on my credit card. Good thing too because 20 people showed up. 20 !!!!!!! and not one from the 'Cousins' list. Why, because 4 days before the event he had his secretary phone me to ask for the info so she ould whip something up. IN 4 DAYS, are you FRI&%$* Kidding me. Man Oh Man I was pissed.
But when you have nothing and there is someone in your face saying "Oh Look at my $255,000 car" "Oh look I just got $9 million in my divorce settlement" "Oh Look,Oh Look, Oh Look" at one point you just want to slap them. It was like starving and having to watch everyone else eat.
Oh and they did that too. Asked me if we would like to join them for Chinese food, make me pay and then eat all the 'No Meat' portions that came. We ate plain rice (that we made in our rice cooker to save money) and had to split the veggies I ordered 5 ways. Even though the meat they ordered had veggies in it. Stupid stupid people.
Or how about the moment when The 'Cousin' asked me to go to his Company Christmas Party with him because his girlfriend was out of town. I said "Thank you but the truth is I have exactly $5 in my pocket and no food in the fridge and nothing to wear." his answer was "I will give you money to go and buy a new dress because I need someone to drive me so I can drink."
I am still shaking my head over that one. Was I supposed to go out to dinner and not think of my own hungry children? Money for a dress how about for food? or how about simply paying me some gas money for driving him all over the place when he was too drunk to drive?? Just how did he think I was paying for gas?
And for all their talk to my kids they did not even get so much as a "Merry Christmas". Just silence. They did nothing wrong, they were nothing but polite, helpfull and clean. people are so stupid.
Let me just take a quick moment to vent. yes, I appreciated that the 'Cousin' let us stay in his guest house for free. But was it really free? I was a personal maid. I cleaned his house, dishes, toilets, bath tubs,garbage and recycle, laundry, dog care, poop clean up.
My son even worked in his garden. (oh he did pay him $20 once to show him 'Job Pride" how white of him.)
If you knew me you would know that when Randie cleans IT IS CLEAN !! I am that good. But yet I can not get a job as a cleaning lady because $10 an hour does not pay my rent or put food on my table.
(Also it turns out that I now physically get ill cleaning up after strangers. Really spew city!! This job is no longer an option for me).
Ha The 'Cousin' owns a real estate company. He said "Oh Randie, you are an amazing cleaner" I mean I even cleaned and scrubbed out his fridge. But when I asked if he could help me get a few houses to clean with a recommendation he said ... quote, unquote ... "If I recommend you then I might hurt the feelings of the lady that used to clean my house" got that USED TO CLEAN HIS HOUSE . Clearly helping a single, broke, homeless mother of three get back on their feet and out of his house was not a priority.
But did my work for him not have a value?
But get this, that is not the real reason I am mad. I am mad at myself for once again trusting in someone.
I should know better by now. There is no one for me. I am alone. The sooner I realize this the less sad I am sure to be. Waiting for a hero. HA, I am a fool.
The part that I am mad at is the fact that the 'Cousin' and his millionaire girlfriend looked at my kids in the eye and promised them that everything would be okay. That she has our back. I know it is wrong to hate but I really do hate them. Hurt me but not my kids. My youngest now has no trust at all, he does not even trust me now.
Well Face Book surprised me. I tried to reach out for help and a bit came. One week before Christmas an old high school classmate showed up at our doorstep with a very large bin of food and movie tickets and $250 dollars cash plus a $50 Walmart gift card. I still cry when I think of it. Apparently I did something for her when she became a single mom and now she was paying me back. I can not remember what I did for her. I can't remember very much from before Switzerland. It only comes back to me in flashes now.
This classmate took things one step further and one week later arranged that I work for her dad in his office. well I am not an office person or computer savvy so her father actually took Brock on for the job. this was smart as he is a computer wiz and you only have to show or explain anything just once and he already gets it.
So now things were looking up. My friends Dad then put me to work as a cashier in his store. Yup things were on an uphill slope now. Right ?
Well, they could have been. They should have been. The 'Cousin' should have been thrilled that I finally found work but now he was asking $1800 for rent. I had not even got my first paycheck. I would only make $1200 I have no idea what he expected from me.
Clearly he is a stupid idiot because when I explain it was impossible he became impossible. He was drinking all the time anyway but now while I was at work he was coming over to the guest house and making my daughter and youngest son stressed and uncomfortable, even making them cry and fighting with them.
Needless to sat this sent my stress through the roof. We had no choice but to have Brock quit and stay home because now my 2 kids were scared on a daily basis.
I took a deep breath and asked my new boss if he could lend me the deposit money to get into a different place and he refused. I was stressed and pissed but what could I do, we needed the money. But this only made the 'Cousin' more mad. He could not understand why Brock was home again and not bringing in any money.
So what happened next...
the 'Cousin' told me he decided to sell his house and move into his girlfriends 5 million dollar home. We have to go asap. No help, no promises kept. Just go. NOW!
At this moment I did not even have 2 dimes to rub together. But things just kept rolling down the hill.
But sometimes the universe has been known to give a bone now and then. The 'Cousin' was freaking out and gave me an out date while he and his girlfriend were down in Las Vegas. They hired a lady to come in and watch the house and take care of the dogs. If you call standing in the backyard smoking care??
I was at the computer searching like crazy wondering how would I move with no money? Then my bone came. The Family enforcement came through and the money my ex was to start paying back in November came through. all 4 months of back pay. Cool, just like that we had a deposit to move and move we did. I grabbed the first place we could get that was cheap and big and took pets. Bamm !!! We thought that was it. Home free. We got a Uhaul and within 24 hours we were out of the cousins and in the middle of a blueberry farm.
Cool. We we had the 'Cousin' and his stupid rich girlfriend out of our lives. We now have a home where we all actually have our own bedroom.
While we were in the guest house it was just one bedroom. we all shared 2 mattresses for 5 months. Finally we could breath and start our new life on the coast fresh and move forward in a positive direction.
FYI, the new house sitter was found dead in the house. The 'Millionaire Girlfriend' has two kids that are doing stuff I would never let my kids even think about. Sex and Hard Drugs is not the world of teenagers under the age of 16 . that does not happen with a loving mom. ( that is all I will say)
I know, I know how could they possibly get any worse??? Things are good right?
Well, let me tell you. It did. This new job as cashier was plugging along but it took a turn. The boss decided that I should learn all parts of the business so that I could step into any ones shoes if they got sick or needed a holiday. Sounded good.
Except.
It was a pharmacy and when I started working with the pills I started getting sick. By the second week of pill work there was no going back. I was scared shitless. My face blew up like a balloon and broke out into a swollen rash that was so bad that when I went into work to get my prescription filled no one even knew who I was. My faced peeled off. I was swollen, raw and ozzing. I was scared and sad.
Why sad. we just moved, I used the money I received to move but there was not enough for a phone hook up or internet. Having food was more of a concern but i knew that by next month with me working and my ex's payment we would be okay. But the Pharmacy never called to find out if I was okay. They had my sisters number so it is not like they did not know how to get a hold of me. There I was scared and once again alone.
Yes, I have 3 teenagers so I am not alone right. Wrong, you could not be more wrong. It is not my place to share my stress and burden with them. If I did, what kind of mother would I be. I am stressed enough for all of us. The only sanity I get is from seeing my kids smile and laugh.
I say that now but wait.
So there I was recovering from my face peel and wondering how I would make it now. BOOM another Bone. When I filed for taxes no one pointed out I was not getting family allowance. So I applied and we got it along with a refund for the past 4 years I did not receive it. How cool was that. So I thought wow, I have rent money now I can look for a good job and we are going to be okay. Right?!
Right?!?
One of the first things I did , besides clear off my credit cards, was sign my 2 boys up to be extras in the movies. There was a sign up fee but we could do it now. While we were there my oldest son filled in a draw for a chance to win part scholarship to an acting school. He won. We went in to discuss things and it turned out that the owner of the school was in the middle of making a TV show called 'Party Mamas' and in need of a good decorator. So we made a deal that I would decorate and in exchange my son could join her school no questions and no extra fees they normally charge.
I know, I did not get that much money. My son applied (with the schools help) for a Government loan so he could join the college. Done, he was approved.
But not like we thought.
The party for the show was up on top of Whistler Mountain. I made an under the sea party decorations. The deal was she would pay for all the supplies and my labor was free.
Long story short, as legally I have signed a contract forbidding me to talk about what happened, but it was a total disaster. In all my 25 years of making parties and events NEVER EVER has a party gone so wrong before. it cost me $1500 of my own money for supplies and when the show airs in November I am going to look like SHIT !!!!!! Really they strung me along the whole way with smiles on their faces throwing one curve at me after another only to make me the bad guy at the end.
So much for starting up a party business from that mess.
When I reflect back there was nothing that I could have changed or prevented. Shit just happened. I worked very hard to make things look great.
The behind the scene that I have to spare telling the school owner because she was already stressed and in tears non stop.
In order to make everything look great within the 3 weeks I had to get the project done, I asked an old friend to help. His wife and I are close but he is also a friend of my ex's. But I needed help. He asked "What is in it for him"? so I suggested that any business we get from this TV show we team up and make more parties. My work was for free but the materials were paid for. I asked him if he would help and he agreed.
He made a giant sandcastle entrance way I asked him to do and he did an internet search and wanted to make the table tops out of sugar making it look like coral. It was a great idea and looked great. I really thought at this point that we could actually team up and do great work. Heck I was looking forward already to making an awesome Halloween Event together.
It would have been good. It could have been great.
But 4 days before the event my friend says he wanted $1500 to go up the mountain and decorate. He all of a sudden decided that my son was getting a deal out of all this and so should he. I couldn't pay that. I offered to pay him $20 an hour to come up the mountain for 2 days to help decorate and take down but this was out of my own pocket. i figured $250 - $300 was a bit of a help. But he wanted more. So, he stopped his work and left me high and dry. Too late to get anyone else to help me. Brock and I went up to do it all ourselves.
Like I said I am under contract to not say the details but it went very bad.
This is no longer my friend I am sad to say.
But I was not even sad. really because right in the middle of it all, I got a call from the Super Chef Program that I had applied for earlier and they wanted we. They had an event coming up just after the Whistler party and I thought waa hoo I will work for them and put this mess behind me. After all my son was now attending school and happier then I have ever seen him in is entire life. So it did have a happy ending. For him.
I did the event for Super Chef with the idea I would be setting up more. Unfortunately they told me after the event that the funding they need to open a cooking room has not come through and even though they would like to hire me they still can not. But I will be doing Halloween for them as I proposed doing a :Healthy, Happy Halloween" and maybe a Christmas idea I have too??
So that takes me to now. I thought, heck too bad about the Super Chefs better a little bit with them then nothing. (I love their program that much if I had money I would sponsor them and work with the kids for free)
I would simply go and get any old job to pay the bills and I would keep on keeping on. Right?
But just a couple of days ago, my new land lord told me that his house has sold and he needs us to move out asap. They need to get in to do some high end renovations so they can move in with comfort and ease. They are very wonderful and sweet people so it is hard to not do as I am asked. But I am very stressed and very sad.
I can not believe this at all. My money is now gone. I was able to pay rent up until now but my job search has now turned into a house search but I have no money to move anyway.
I am back where we started "You can not get a house without a job and you can not get a job without a place to live".
Only now there is no child support or back taxes to look forward to helping us get through. Now there is nothing.
I am very sad and lost at this moment. I do not trust anyone and I am so hurt I do not think I could take one more bad news, not one. I can't I really can't. Oh God I think I am broken.
I confess. In all that we have gone through over the years and you have just read only about 40% of everything in this Blog I started one year ago. For some reason I am having a very hard time. I can not stop crying. I can not eat. I can not sleep. I can not do one creative thing. My ideas are not coming to me. It feels like I am closing down. I am all out of hope. I give up on Faith.
The only light that I have coming into my dark tunnel at the moment is that the only man I have ever cared for or loved has found me on face book. He has been alone for 4 years. It is sooooooo nice to hear his voice. I feel 17 again. He says the nicest things and fills me with such happiness. But the truth is he only knows a fraction of all we are going through. He has no idea how much I would like to just crawl up beside him and just stay there. Someone to watch over me.
Unfortunately he lives in Alberta. It is not just a jump away or I would have jumped. I am so happy he is back in my life but for how long? I lost him once and I feel with my bad streak I am going to lose him again. Oh God how that hurts. I do not want to be a burden to him. He deserves better then loser me that is for sure.
It is at a point that my happiness hurts because I have nothing to offer this man but a broken me. That is too much for anyone.
Why did I not find him when I had some money?? Why now?? The Universe must get a laugh out of seeing me suffer??? That is what it feels like.
There. Ahhh I can breath. Thank you for letting me vent yet once again. Maybe now I can sleep, now that all these things I have written are on the page and hopefully out of my mind??
I do not know where I am going or what to do. I am sitting here with my head spinning and my heart sad and up in my throat.
A few days ago we did get an offer to move right across the street for the same price but we have to move again in 6 months because they are ripping the house down. i know beggers can not be picky but it is an old run down party house. My kids freaked when they went inside. I am not out to freak my kids out any more then they already are.
What we need is some stability. I just do not know how to do that.
Plus I am back in the same boat as before. I am broke and welfare will not help.... much anyway. The most I can get is $1100 for a family of 4. But because my ex now gives me $900 i will only get $200. Yup that is it. That will not even pay our rent. I was told to just go and get a job and a cheap place to live. But WHERE?? and no Government help is offered. I do not qualify for unemployment because I was out of the country so long and the work I did at the pharmacy was not long enough to qualify. I am screwed (without the fun)
For the first time my kids see I am sad. I am yelling. They have no idea of what is really going on. I think my daughter is the only one that has the slightest clue. But it is not my intention to stress my kids out. But the stress is getting the best of me.
Why is all this happening? How do I break this bad streak? What is gonna happen? Why Oh why can we not just win the lottery??
I am in the wrong movie !!!
I want off this ride, I am dizzy and ready to spew. Please stop this ride and let me off.
Please, I want to go home. Oh wait, I have never had a home to go to, what am I thinking.
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